How To Avoid Shopping With Your Wife...

Do you hate having to spend time waiting for your wife/significant other to browse her way through the stores?  This guy found some clever ways to avoid ever having to do so again.  Read and learn: 

RETIRED HUSBAND
 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 

Photo by FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Ward ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Ward , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? 
16. And last, but not least: October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Could be fun to try some of these just to see the reactions :-)

Reactions from Snooki's Baby....

I guess congratulations is in order for Snooki and her fiance, Jionni Lavalle, having welcomed their son, Lorenzo Dominic to the world. 

Here's what I imagine their son's reaction was when he found out his mom was Snooki:

At least I am happy to read that the rumors of Snooki saying she would not change dirty diapers when her son was born, were false. Wishing little Lorenzo the best....

Mommy Needs to Get Laid

Kids say the darndest things!  Here's the latest one from my daughter:

She was chatting with her aunt on Facebook and her aunt asked if she had signed up for gymnastics yet. My daughter had just asked me if I had looked in to this for her, and I told her I had to wait till I got my next paycheck before I signed her up. So my daughter writes:

"No I haven't signed up yet.  My mom needs to get laid or lucky first"

Here I believed I was the only one who thought it was about time....

Now mind you, this is my ex's sister she is writing this to. God knows what she is thinking about me and how things work around here anymore.

Unfortunately for my daughter, if that is what she is waiting for, sadly I think it will  be a while before she starts gymnastics....

Akin joins the ranks of dumb and dumber...

Is nothing too stupid for politicians to say?  Learning of Rep. Todd Akin's ludicrous remark that  "First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy after rape] is really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." I am guessing not. The utter idiocy of the remark is beyond belief. 

Basing his opinion on Dr. John C Wilkins statements that “This is a traumatic thing — she’s, shall we say, she’s uptight,” Dr. Willke said of a woman being raped, adding, “She is frightened, tight, and so on. And sperm, if deposited in her vagina, are less likely to be able to fertilize. The tubes are spastic.”seems ridiculous when experts time and time again has shot down this theory, and statistics show that 32,000 pregnancies are caused by rape every year. (Source NY Times and CNN)

Thankfully Dr. Wilkins is now 87 years old, and I assume, no longer seeing patients. God help the ones he has treated over the years if he has practiced all medicine with the same kind of quack theories!  I wonder though, if he would ever testify to this in court as a defense in a rape case.  "No, ma'am, she is pregnant, so there is no way this was a legitimate rape."

Do we still need to argue that the Republican party has waged "War on Women"? It seems every week they come up with something else that would take us back to the 1950's...but Mr. Akin is just over the top stupid with this comment. I also find that he completely lacks understanding of a rape victim's state of mind, and compassion for what she would go through if forced to carry out a pregnancy caused by a rape. He has spent most of the last couple of days retracting his statement and claiming to have great empathy for the victims. I don't buy it. If that was true, he would not have made the remark in the first place. 

So of course I wonder; how can anyone trust him to make sounds decisions about anything when he so clearly is not in touch with reality on this issue? I guess all we can hope for, is that the voters will use their votes more intelligently than Rep. Akin uses his voice.