As Mothers' Day is approaching, and we are bombarded with ads for flowers, and gifts, and spa treatments, and everything else under the sun that a mom might want, I find myself wishing I still had a mother to appreciate on that day. Oh how I miss her!!
She has been gone for almost 10 years now, but every time I think of her, I find myself wishing I had shown her, and told her more often how much I loved her, and how much I truly appreciated everything she did for us. I still hope she knew.
Few women were as warmhearted and kind as my mom. As a nurse, she was well respected both among her coworkers and patients. At her memorial service, one of the doctors revealed that patients felt so comfortable dealing with her, that if given the choice, they would rather confide in her and take her advice, than speaking to a doctor directly. She would go out of her way both professionally and personally to ensure people knew she cared.
As a mother, she took her role even more serious. We knew we were loved!! Money might have been tight, but we had everything we needed; most importantly, a tight knit family and lots of quality time with our parents. But she expected us to grow up as responsible, well behaved young ladies. Instead, she raised two very independent, strong headed girls who just wanted to do things our own way, and regarded her as the "uncool" mom for much longer than most. Although, she did remain the one we would seek advice from when things got a little tough. I still wonder how she survived our teenage years. As much as she denied it, I think she was happy we both chose to get our education too far away to remain living at home. But even then she was just a phone call away; ready to hear all about our day, tell us she missed us and give us updates on life at home. All with that quiet, calm voice. How many times I have wished I inherited a bit more of her demeanor..
I think that is what I miss the most. Her calmness, and her voice. She spoke so quietly. When we were home, my sister and I were the only two who could hear her, if she called us from the kitchen when we were on our way out the door. Our friends would look at us funny, as if we were hearing voices. One friend once told me that when at the doctor's office, my mom was getting her ready, and asked my friend the standard questions, but with such a quiet voice, my friend stated "I leaned up and thought she was going to tell me a secret". We teased her about that a million times, and also joked that the only reason she and my dad got along so well, was because he couldn't hear her half the time.
As we grew to young adults, got married and settled down, she started bringing up the subject of grandchildren. She was so ready to be a grandma! Unfortunately, none of her children were ready to be parents, so she had to wait quite a while. But when they finally arrived, they too got to experience her love for them. Her soothing voice, cuddling and playing with them, reading them stories and singing songs. You couldn't ask for a more perfect grandma! Sadly, it only lasted a very short time, before she passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly.
I was so angry when she died. Angry at the paramedics who didn't revive her fast enough. Angry at the doctors who didn't heal her. Angry at God for taking my mom away. Really? Heaven was that short on angels? I stayed angry for quite long too. So angry, I was of no support to anyone else around me who was also grieving the loss of her. Not at all what she would have wished for me to do, but I couldn't help it. I needed her, and she was no longer there.
Even today, there are so many times I wish she was still here. But I have learned to cherish the memories of the years we had together, lessons taught and laughs shared. Although my children were too young to remember her, they too have learned to cherish her memory through my stories of how she loved them, and how much she adored spending time with them. They look at pictures of themselves in her lap and know that she was the most special grandma they could have ever wished for, just as she was the best mother I could have ever wished for. Gone, but never forgotten!!
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