How To End The War In Afghanistan

The soldiers have been pulled out of Irak, and there might be a plan to end the war in Afghanistan, but here's my suggestion to speed up that process.

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause, train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna, and drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight! The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

Supermom

I'm a week post rodent invasion....I survived (barely!), but yes, I will admit, I was severely traumatized.  OK, feel free to call me a wuss; I am, and judging by other friends' stories of encountering a rat in their house, it's gonna be a while before I get over it. 

The good thing though (it's important to also look on the bright side...), I have developed superpowers.  My hearing is now about the level of a dog's, if not better.  I can hear everything! It's that same kind of hearing new moms have, that experience turns in to selective hearing.... it's baaaack!

 After a week's hard training, I can distinguish between every sound ever made in and around my house.  I am pretty sure the only one I am still struggling with, is the marching of ants on the balcony when the sliding glass door is closed.  Besides that, I got it covered. The TV and stereo sounds took a while (what the hell is with all that popping and cracking?), but thorough inspections both morning, noon and night (LATE night) has revealed nothing abnormal there...

It took a few sleepless nights to get it all down (who can sleep when there is a chance another rodent might find his way in?!?), but I got it now.  Poor kids - think they can whisper and avoid me hearing them...not working any more!  There will be no secrets from mom for the next few years...or until I pass out from exhaustion.  Not sleeping for a week takes its toll, and a half hour lunch nap just really didn't make up for it any day.

Hoping this was the one and only time I had to encounter this, but should anything else find its way in here, X-ray vision is next....and I don't really want that....well, sometimes it could be fun, but no, really don't want that...

Wishing for a non-eventful week....and a winning lottery ticket!!

This Is War!

Photo by FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 Friday I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing weekend.  I had purposely not made any plans, just thinking I would get the house cleaned and laundry done, and was looking forward to some quiet time with a good book.  Not exactly how it turned out.

Saturday, I did relax and managed to do very little - very nice actually. You should try it some time.  That evening, I went out for a while with a good friend, listened to some music, watched the baseball game, and had a bite to eat before crashing and looking forward to sleeping in Sunday.  That's where things started going wrong.

Sunday morning, I woke up to the phone.  It was my sister, who I hadn't talked to for a while, and I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes and ventured out in the kitchen while talking to her.  

Photo by FreeDigitalPhotos.net

On my newly vacuumed floor, there were little pieces of something all around the dishwasher, and I was rubbing my eyes trying to figure out what it was, when I heard something moving around behind my refrigerator....oh crap!!  My neighbor had informed me a rat got in to his place, and I had heard something in my wall, but was so sure that I had managed to close off every possible entry way...apparently not.  My worst fear proved to be true...a disgusting creature all of a sudden crawled out from behind the refrigerator, prompting me to scream at the top of my lungs....who wouldn't? The crazy woman approach worked, and the nasty critter scurried back behind  the refrigerator, leaving me enough time to get out of the kitchen. What would a sane person do next?  I have no idea.  My approach was to run screaming out of my apartment, barefoot and in next to nothing clothing, and bang on my neighbor's door for help. Sadly he was still in bed, and not at all concerned with my humungous critter invader problem.  He did call me though in an effort to calm me down.  Didn't work!  

With all doors to other rooms securely closed, and confident the monster was still hiding behind the refrigerator, I found shoes and a sweater, and headed for Home Depot to get traps, and promptly locked myself out of my apartment...who has time to think of bringing the right keys in such an emergency?

Luckily Home Depot was not very busy, and a sweet lady helped me find traps, talked me through my mental breakdown and assured me these would kill the bastard.  I bough a couple extra for good measure and headed back home.

After successfully breaking in to my own home (if things get any worse, it's good to have a plan B...), I found that the little f*@&er was gone from behind the refrigerator, leaving me even more freaked out, not knowing where he was now hiding. I stomped around the kitchen and talked very loudly to myself (kinda fitting with the crazy lady image I was portraying at the time...) hoping to scare him enough to stay away until I got the traps set. 

The traps were placed strategically (yeah right, like I was in any way capable of thinking strategy at the time....) around the kitchen, and yours truly grabbed a bag of clothes, toiletries and the laptop and headed out the door.  I called my friend to let her know I was moving in before I got there, and luckily she's that kind a friend....no way in hell was I staying at my own place!!

After showering and eating at my friend's place (both completely unthinkable thinks to do with an invader in my own place), she accompanied me back to check on the progress of my hunt.  Got him!!  Not touching it!  Ran back to my neighbor who at this time is laughing at my being hysterical over a dead rat....really?!?  Whatever, he at least got it out of my house.  Still no way in hell I was staying there.  Kids had now arrived home, and were actually sad to see I had killed it.  "Why couldn't we just keep it?"  Are you effing kidding me??? So with traps reset - maybe now with an ounce of actual strategy, I took the kids back to my friend's house. Again, she is that kind of friend, and welcomed us in to her house to stay as long as we needed. (Not wanting to ruin our friendship, I didn't want to tell her I really wanted to just move in for good...one day at a time;  one day at a time...)

Monday morning, I head back to my place to check again.  It took a while to muster up the courage to go in, but when I finally did, it was nice to see all the traps empty, and I all of a sudden was confident that little bastard was a loaner....well, if he had shown the way to anyone else, I was certainly not leaving an invitation for his friends and family to come look for him.  Emergency home repairs would be done. Immediately!  Armed with my Nickelback shirt which proudly displays in pink on the back "This Means War!", the kitchen was promptly torn completely apart to find where he had gotten in, only to discover the half ass craftsmanship of the installation of the cabinets. Whatever!!  Back to Home Depot we go,  now with measurements of gaps and possible openings for the invader to get through.  

Steel wool they say is a good tool...if you own stock in a steel wool company, you probably earned some money yesterday. There is about as much steel wool as wall behind my cabinets at this time.  Sealed with an overabundance of foam spray.  Pretty?  Well, hell no.  Do I care?  Not at all, if it ensures nothing else is able to get in here. Seriously, have you ever looked in the back of your cabinets to see how "pretty" it looks?  Not me either...I will going forward though, just to ensure the same shitty craftsman hasn't been on the loose. 

Cleaned it all up, reset traps, and left again.  I might have spent all day at home, but there was still no way I would eat  there, so back to my friend's house we go. Dirty and smelly as I was, my friend still offered to let us stay....she is so good!  Everyone needs a friend like her!  But we left, with the promise that if I heard a sound that didn't belong, we would be back. 

Laundry never got done Sunday (not my fault!!), and the kids were out of school uniforms...so reluctantly I agree to run a load through, but only if they accompany me to the laundry room. After all, it would be much easier for a rat to get in there, than in to my kitchen, and I am not taking any chances. My son finds this hysterical, and after first yelling "look out, there's a rat" and then "OMG there's a roach" (that's right, I am not a fan of bugs either), I almost ran him over with my basket and threatened to lock him in there if he didn't stop.  Roaring laughter was all the respect I got in response....

Since I sent the kids off to bed, laundry just had to wait till morning; no way was I going there by myself in the dark.  To be sure there really wasn't any more critters in our place, I decided to sit guard (not really, I was just afraid of going to bed), but by 2:30 I figured it was probably safer in my bedroom than in the living room anyway, and got at least a few hours of sleep. Not nearly enough though...hopefully tonight will be better.  And don't you dare say, "what's the big deal, it's just a rat"...there is no such thing as "just a rat".  They are disgusting, vile creatures....I am pretty certain they are one of God's mistakes (I sometimes say my ex is one of his others, but that, I guess is up for discussion), and I cannot think of any good reason for any rat to live - at least not in the city. 

We are now on day two of empty traps. Think I have won my war for now, but this is one I really do not ever want to fight again.  I do however realize I would be useless in any real war (don't get me wrong -  this is all too real for me!!), as one day of working my ass off followed by just a few hours of sleep, has left me dazed and confused...I would tell you anything now, just to get some sleep.  Useless, I tell you, which is why I think peace is the way to go - just not when it comes to rats.

A Month of Awareness

It's good to raise awareness, but with  12 months in the year, I find it a little hard to focus on three major issues all in one month.  Nonetheless, they are all worth being aware of, and doing something about, so here we go. 

Breast Cancer.

Need I say more?  We all either have experienced dealing with breast cancer, or know someone who has.  1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime. I find it so sad, that so many loose their battle with breast cancer, when this is one cancer that is almost 100% curable, if caught early enough. Early detection remains the key. Get your mammograms done regularly.  Do your self exam monthly.  Report any changes to your health professional. Better safe than sorry!

There is a wealth of information on line regarding breast cancer, exam options and treatment; Susan G. Komen, NBCC, American Cancer Society are some. Most importantly though, I find, is the continued work for a cure.  Please continue donating to the organizations that work so hard to get us there!

Bullying Prevention

According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN),  "bullying can be verbal, physical, or via the Internet. It can severely affect the victim's self-image, social interactions, and school performance, often leading to insecurity, lack of self-esteem, and depression in adulthood. School dropout rates and absences among victims of bullying are much higher than among other students.

Studies have shown that children who have been identified as a bully by age eight are six times more likely to have a criminal conviction by age 24. Children who are bullies may continue to be bullies as adults, and are more prone to becoming child and spouse abusers."

As a parent, I find it my duty to make sure my children do not engage in any form of bullying, and that they learn to stand up for those who are victims. We cannot rely on school personnel to do this. It is our job as parents to teach our kids tolerance and decency in their dealings with others. Let's make sure we all do our part!  For more information, NCTSN has a listing of resources for preteens/teens, parents, health professionals, school personnel and law enforcement personnel here.  I would also encourage you to stop by a Facebook Page; Stop Bullying: Speak Up! both to sign the pledge to stop bullying and for more information on what you can do.

And last, but not least; Domestic Violence

 It is almost sad that this is still such a major problem, that we need a whole month dedicated to the awareness of it, and another toward teen dating abuse. But fact is, thousands of women and children live every day in fear. Sadly, no one is better at hiding the symptoms of abuse, than the victims themselves. If the awareness month does nothing else but get the message out to the victims that being abused is not their fault, and they do not deserve it, then much has been accomplished. 

What more can we do?  Again, there is a wealth of information on line.  Break the Cycle is one of the organizations that work diligently to end domestic abuse, prevent teen dating abuse and create healthy relationships. You can find more information about them here. 

Besides joining this group, or any other organization that works to end domestic violence, I think these are our main responsibilities:

1. Don't be blind towards symptoms of abuse in your own circle of friends and/or family - and dare to speak up when you see it.  
2. Teach our children that it is never OK to hit/slap/push or mistreat in any other way their girlfriend/boyfriend - or to be treated that way. No one who loves you, mistreats you in that manner. 

Although very different issues, the one thing we can do with regards to all three topics, is care for one another.  Encourage your friends/family members to get their exams, and be there for those who are battling cancer. Stand up against bullying and teach your children to do the same. And lastly, never accept abuse - not towards yourself, not towards your children, not towards your friends and family. When you see or suspect it, help them get help! 

Keeping the Faith

Happy Sunday Morning!

It's been hectic around here lately, which often turns in to stress, which again turns in to arguments and disagreements causing our home to not be a very pleasant place. Then when things don't go the way they are supposed to, and it feels like our lives are completely out of whack, it's hard to keep the faith that "everything will turn out OK".  That's when cute little stories in my inbox are welcomed.  This one, I found worth sharing on this beautiful Sunday. 

NEED WASHING? 

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom. She must have been about 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout... We all stood there, just inside the door of the mall. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. 

I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. 

Her little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, 'Mom let's run through the rain,'  She said.  'What?' Mom asked.  'Let's run through the rain!' She repeated. 'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied. 

This young child waited a minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain...'  'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said.  'No, we won't, Mom.. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.  'This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?'  'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ' If God can get us through this, He can get us through anything! '  The entire crowd stopped dead silent.. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain.. We all stood silently. No one left. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. 

Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. 

 'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's us get wet, well maybe we just need washing,' Mom said. Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They got soaked.  They were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did.  I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
 

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.
 

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. 

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

Growing Up Is Overrated

Remember when you were young and couldn't wait to grow up?  Finally get to the age where you could make all your own decisions, manage your own money, do what you wanted when you wanted without anyone telling you you couldn't? Yeah well, I take it back...or at least give me a rewind button for a redo of the last few years. No one said it would  be this complicated.

As a child, I think I got angry enough at my parents to run away only once.  That lasted about an hour and a half before living outside in the cold and rain didn't seem so appealing anymore. I don't think they even noticed I was gone before I decided to turn back.

 Last week, having another downer day as everything seemed to be falling apart (again), I wondered how far I could get this time....not really, but it struck me odd that at the age of forty-something, my "escape" would be discovered far more quickly than when I was a child, and that this time, even if I was only gone for a few hours, the repercussions would be much more severe....didn't we use to think growing up brought freedom to our lives?  Someone lied about how great adulthood was!

It's not my life in general I want to escape from (only very occasionally is this the case...).  I would just like to be able to solve some of life's many problems, preferably without it causing new ones. That can't possibly be too much to ask?  Well, maybe my approach to "solving problems" is more of the "easy way out". They might be clever solutions, but the results are about the same as when treating a broken bone with a band-aid...

So off we go to actually tackle these problems head on, and find real solutions.  Yeah me!  Although winning the lottery would solve a lot of them, so let me start with getting a few (hopefully) winning tickets...hey, don't judge...

How To Avoid Shopping With Your Wife...

Do you hate having to spend time waiting for your wife/significant other to browse her way through the stores?  This guy found some clever ways to avoid ever having to do so again.  Read and learn: 

RETIRED HUSBAND
 

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 

Photo by FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Ward ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Ward , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? 
16. And last, but not least: October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

Could be fun to try some of these just to see the reactions :-)