Dating Etiquette

I am sitting here alone on a Saturday night wondering if I should be worried that my latest romantic fling is over.  Why, you say?  Well, life happens, and I had to cancel our date again. That was 7 hours ago, and he never even acknowledged that I canceled.  I checked the message to make sure I sent it to the right person, since I have been known to sometimes create a bit ackward situations by texting the wrong guy. It is not my fault that I have too many friends with the same first name!!  But this one went to the right person, and now that I see it in writing, canceling a date by text may not be the most personal way of doing it.  Kind of tacky if I may say so myself.

However, if I had called, I probably would have ended up telling him that I did not even try to get a baby sitter, because I really didn't feel like going out tonight.  Next weekend though,  I am certain I will be in the mood.  Unfortunately, by then, I may not have anybody to go out with.  Crap!  I guess when you cancel Valentine's dinner (even the belated ones) and the following weekend, it may seem you are not so interested.

Then again, if he wanted to see me, he could come visit me. Well, at least if I had told him where I live.  But if he really wanted to see me, he could have called and said he wanted to come see me, so I am blaming this entirely on him.  I am just being a good mom!

NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA

I have not laughed so hard in weeks.  OMG, it is good to know somebody else is struggling through their little crisis too.  Enjoy!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.   
Read on..........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Fix dinner, watch the grand kids come and go. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:  'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise:  the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.  No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you  peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)  So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. 

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh.  Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!  OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.  I can do this!  Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire! 

With my next wax strip I move north.  After checking on the family,  I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my granny panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!!  Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIP!  Everything is spinning and  spotted.

I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious...I must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???  Breathe, breathe....  OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!  There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.  I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...  it's not.  I touch..  I am touching wax. 

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. 

Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?  So I put my foot down.  Sealed shut!  My butt is sealed shut.  Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself  'Please don't let me get the urge to poop...My head may pop off!

What can I do to melt the wax?  Hot water!!  Hot water melts wax!!  I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???  *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. 

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.... in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! 

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.  It's a very good conversation starter. 

So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!

There is a slight pause.  She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!  I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.



It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.  Heck, I'm numb by now.  Nothing  hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......how bad can that turn out???

 

It's All in the Mind

As much as I love pink, I too sometimes feel a bit blue.  A little down on myself and my life in general. I have found though, that surrounding myself with positive people, and constantly reinforcing positive thinking, makes me feel as if I can conquer any obstacle.

To quote Remez Sasson : "The difference between CAN and CANNOT are only three letters.  Three letters that determine your life's direction." Mr. Sasson has made a living from his positive thinking just by helping others do the same.  I have no aspiration of doing the same, but isn't it funny how our perception of our life or a certain situation makes all the difference in how we handle it? 

I am going through a bit of rough patch in my life, but I wake up with a smile on my face and wonder what great opportunities today will bring.  And with that attitude, I enjoy (or at least try my best to) every moment of the day.  If my dreams don't come true and I still have to struggle a bit to pay my bills, at least  I will do it with a smile on my face and be thankful for what I do have. Because, as Herm Albright (who I know nothing about) said, "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

The Important Things in Life

As so many other Americans, I joined the ranks of the unemployed this week.  Losing your livelihood is a tough experience; not only because of the loss of income, but also because it is so easy to blame oneself and question everything one has done to end up here.  So very surprisingly, I have had nothing but pleasant experiences the last few days.

I immediately reached out to my closest friends and let them know what had happened, and I have to say, today my self esteem is higher than it has been for months. Not one just told me they were sorry and let it be with that. Besides telling me it is the company's loss and encouraging me to stay positive, every one offered their support by providing me names of personal friends who could be helpful in finding new employment, spreading the link of my blog, forwarding my resume to their own contacts, volunteered to watch my children so I can seek other employment etc. etc. As always, actions speak much louder than words.

Besides my paycheck, there is nothing sad about my changed employment status.  Hate is a strong word, but I think it describes pretty accurately how I felt about my job. However,  I had never expected so much support.  I guess when times are tough, you find out who your true friends are, and I am very pleased to say, that there are more people than I imagined that care about my and my children's well being. That in itself has put a permanent big smile on my face. More importantly, though, it has reinforced my faith in that everything will turn out just fine.

I can't change what happened yesterday, so there is no use in me waisting time being angry or upset about it.  I can only slightly influence what will happen tomorrow, so no use in worrying about it until it's here. But  I can live today to the fullest, and that is exactly what I intend to do!

I wish you all a wonderful week!

Forever Young

If you're old enough to remember this one, you are probably facing your midlife crisis too.  But I love this song, so here it is - without Jay-Z. The original by Alphaville.

 

I look at this picture, though,  and wonder how we ever found guys in these types of outfits and with these hair dues attractive. This is the one era in fashion we really do not need to come back!!

No better way to embarrass someone than to do it on a live show. Watch Belinda Heggen of  Ten News give her co-anchor a real low blow. LOL.

Dancing in the Rain

You know the saying "it's not how you survive the storm, but how you dance in the rain"?  I'm taking that to heart today!

I had a sudden career change...very unplanned, if not unexpected, and certainly very untimely!  I guess today I am a full time blogger!  How about that?  So I can sit down and cry, and say the world is unfair and all that crap; or I can keep on smiling and tell myself that this is a blessing in disguise, and my life will turn out so much better in the end.  I chose the ladder!  Watch me dance in the rain, and loving every minute of it!

Come bill-paying time, I might change the tune a little bit, but it will be OK.

I now have time to organize and scrub down the house; contact those friends I've been meaning to stay in touch with, volunteer at school, and write my blog.  I even have time for afternoon sex....that is if I actually had someone to have sex with. But having the time is a good start!

In this economy I know I am not the only one in this situation. So here is to turning the page, leaving all negative feelings behind and looking forward to new opportunities and a better tomorrow!  Cheers!

Again, Dress for Success, or not

I never really pay attention to the Hollywood crowd, but this one caught my eye today. I must be getting old(er)!  In my mind, if you are accused of crime serious enough to land you behind bars for the next three years, you should do anything you can to make a good impression when going before the judge.

Again, I must be getting old(er). Did you see what Lindsay Lohan was wearing to court today?!? I wish I could wear that to a night club (frankly, I wish  I could wear that at all, anywhere!), but it certainly wasn't an outfit to wear if you want to be taken serious. 

But then again, I guess she has never wore a traditional conservative outfit to her court hearings; jeans, a studded jacket, and now this little creation. Not that I am planning on getting in trouble with the law, but should it ever happen, this will most certainly not be my choice of court-outfit.

The Perfect Offspring

How often don't we measure our own success in our children's behaviour, abilities and accomplishments? At least when you feel you didn't quite live up to your own potential, it is great to know you have these wonderful offsprings to carry on the dreams.

As most parents,  I think highly of my children's abilities, and try my best to install the notion that they can do anything they set their mind to.  Aim high is the motto!  I may have to reiterate that though.  As I strolled through the school hallways today looking at poems the children had made for Martin Luther King Day, it was with high expectations of my own children's writings I worked my my way down the wall.  I smiled as I read of their dreams of world peace, ending world hunger, providing housing for the homeless, ending wars and creating cures for cancer.  Then I saw my son's name.  But my smile faded slowly as I realized that rather than dreaming of becoming anybody or anything of importance,  he is dreaming of getting tattoos, owning a motorcycle and going skydiving. Greatness in the making, in other words.

At least he is handsome. Maybe that will get him a little farther. 

Dressing Room Nightmare!

I started off the new year with a goal of getting in shape.  I've worked out a little more, dropped a couple of pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself. I know it's a little early, but I decided to get ready for the summer season today.  Since I had the whole day to myself, I headed for the mall, to check out the new collections of  bathing suits. As if I had the perfect body, I picked through the racks of "Brazilian cut bikinis", took a few of those with me and headed for the dressing room. 

The smirk on the dressing room attendant's face should have told me my choices might not be quite right, but I didn't take the hint. And standing in front of a full size mirror looking at my winter ghostly body certainly should have, but no. I insisted on continuing the charade.  With my oh so comfortable K-Mart flowery cotton panties still on, I slipped into this lovely little pink and silver creation.  Slipped might be a slight exaggeration.  Either their sizes were a little off, or I need to rethink what size I am. But after tugging and pulling, sucking in the belly and holding my breath, I finally got it on. Oh my!  The two little triangles that made up the top, was a certain guarantee for sunburned boobs.  And when I stretched my arm up, the little triangle took a trip north too and the boob just popped right out...apparently they are not "securely fastened" any more.  And who knew Brazilians had such small butts?  If I stood perfectly still, it actually covered the crack, but as soon as I took a step or two, it lodged securely in the middle, leaving my entire ass for the view of the world.  I'm pretty certain that's a view the world can do just fine without. I tightened the straps on the top almost cutting off my circulation, and stretched the bottom as far as it would go, but the end result was no different, just a little more painful.

Since the rest of the suits were the same cut, there was no use in trying any more on.  I may be slow, but one of these suits was all the proof I needed that I am pretty far from Brazilian.  Now I realized why the attendant had the smirk on her face when she handed me the number 5 tag.  Not wanting to give her the satisfaction of being handed back all five, I handed her four along with the tag and took the little pink and silver thing with me.  I could tell she was holding back the laughter, but I held my head high and walked out of the dressing room, hiding the bikini behind my purse.  I hung it on the clearance rack where I found an over sized sweatshirt for next to nothing.

Good thing it was Superbowl Sunday!  In my over sized sweatshirt, I now had an excuse to drown my disappointment in a few beers, and gorge on pizza, chips and dip and all that other good stuff.  I checked my old suit.  It may be a little faded, but it'll do fine for another season.  I'll probably try this again next year, but I'll look for the Mid-Western style then.